This morning, I was thinking of some people who are very close in my life yet who are quite simply not well at least emotionally. Now, I have always been the kind of person who let people be responsible for their own actions and words. In other words I have never really taken peoples emotional reactions personally. And interestingly the more emotional people become about ordinary things, the more naturally subdued I become. Most of the time, I am not affected at all, but there are occasions where things can get scary, which means I deem there reactions to be completely disproportionate to the situation. They are usually shocked that I hold no real offense to their actions and am willing to forgive. Not because I am so forgiving, so to say, but really because, I never took it personal. Some emotional people can find me cold and disconnected while others find it as a source of strength for them. Although, I am a loving person and would like for people to see my heart for what it is, neither of the perspectives matters much to me. I am who I am.
Recently I have had two very close people lash out at me. Both men. Technically, I do not take what they have done personally and as usual, I move passed it. But over the last few days I am wondering if I should? I am a deeply loyal person so, I am not contemplating ridding these people from my life, but I am seriously wondering is it time for the relationships to change. Neither of these men are doing anything new in the way they have behaved and I am so used to it, I just ignore it or brush it off or stay quiet for a while until, I feel better from being – well abused really. Not physically, but still.
They battle things. Some clinically diagnosed others not but I can see the nots as clear as day and those I can not see I feel.
Why do I mention they are men? It is a different kind of hurt when men lash out at women or I will say ME. I do not think most men who do this (even the ones who lash out with QUIET) realize this.
Both have poor relationships with the women in their lives. I see that but I know they are not bad guys PLUS I know their behavior is about THEM not ME. As is the case with us ALL. I am no saint but I KNOW I am holistically healthy- praise God. And I know that I actively strive for self betterment daily.
I know typing this it seems really obvious- Get those poison guys out of your life, right? But how many of you know that everything is not that simple and that relationships are integrated, complex, layered and multidimensional- because PEOPLE are those things. Plus quite simply, I love them DEEPLY.
So I don’t know, I am at a place where I can do the same old thing or I can do something different this time. I don’t know what different will look like and that is scary but, to be quite honest it will be insane if I continue on in these relationships like this. I feel like mentally and emotionally I am stronger than they and so therefore I can take it, but WHEN IS ENOUGH ENOUGH?
What do you think Scholars?
And no worries, I am typing this with all sincerity but also with tea in hand looking at fresh flowers, it is WELL with my soul today:). I only get pensive when I think of the reality of my relationships with close people and I know those relationships are not healthy or up to my standards or both. I know that this post highlights them but is about ME. These men are teaching me about me. I just want to get the lesson right instead of repeating the class! smh.
LIGHT and LOVE,
ps- typing this on a new MACBOOK, so it’s super awkward and I can not put in my pretty colors, fonts and extra pics- YET! :). I’m excited about this computer though.