Recently, I had to come to grips with the fact that a few people who are very biologically close to me are not my friends. This hurts. Dang!
They have not decided to stop speaking to me or anything of the sort at this time, nor I them, but rather because I have a standard (that I was not living by when it came to THEM) I realized I had to finally accept that it was not so much their actions that were hurting me but rather MY own choice of accepting their actions that are less than my own standards of tolerance in friendship relationships that was actually hurting me.
I so deeply wanted these people to be my FRIENDS because we are very close relatives. I so wanted to have a strong bond of loyalty between us and I was more than ready to give that and in fact have. But sadly at the cost of being disloyal to myself. I have finally had to accept the fact that close in blood does not a friend make. I knew this about more distant relatives but just always found a way to make an excuse or an exception when it came to these “special” people. They did not feel or do the same for me.
I realize my hurt now comes mostly from the shattered imagery I had of the kind of relationship I wanted with them. Even now that is what bums me out the most when it comes down to it.
It is amazing that the key to this is a little word known as ACCEPTANCE. We would be so much better off if we ACCEPTED things for what they really were and not created a storyline around a situation so fluffed up that we no longer even know WHAT REALLY IS. Until of course reality hits us upside the head- AGAIN.
Now, I am speaking of close blood relatives and perhaps you can relate to that (hopefully you never have or have to) but perhaps you can relate regarding other relationships such as husbands, friends or even, get this- YOURSELF.
Let me tell you a few things that have helped me as I GROW through this process.
First, ACCEPTANCE. I finally accept that these people show two faces and that as it relates to my standards for FRIENDSHIP, that is a no go.
Two, STANDARDS. It is more than OK to have STANDARDS for yourself and your relationships. When we see a lot of drama in relationships it is because either a person has not developed personal standards OR they overlook there own standards in the particular relationship. Note: Drama is drama whether seen or unseen. If you are experiencing inner turmoil even if the other person is not aware that means there is DRAMA in the relationship.
REDEFINITION. So here is where it has been a bit tricky for me. These people are very close to me and I really do not think that what they are doing is personal in fact I know that NOTHING anyone does is (see The 4 Agreements by Don Miguel). I still love them and have not completely erased the vision of the kind of relationship I want with them, but I HAVE accepted that it most likely will never be. That is OK. Real love is HOPE! See 1 Cor. Ch 13. I now just state the case as it is. This is my (close relative) and I love her/him but we are not friends. Now I nursed this idea of being friends so long, I have no idea how to live this new definition out fully, but I know it is the truth and so I choose to walk in it. So how does this look you ask. I show myself friendly and I engage where necessary in a pleasant manner but I do not treat them as I would a FRIEND. I do not share my deepest with them anymore, I do not initiate contact just because, I do not go out of my way, etc.
This is NOT fun for me, but it IS walking in what is real and it is staying true to myself. Some may think it would be easier to cut them off and when I was young that was always my go to approach and it has its place even now in some cases, but it can also ring of self righteousness and lack of compassion and closes the door on HOPE. This then opens the door for bitterness and all the fruit thereof. Yuck, I want sweet beautiful fruit not rotten decayed fruit coming forth from my tree.
Lastly, SHINE. I choose love and openness simply because it makes me feel better. Since these people have two faces and they are trying so hard (or maybe not so hard) to hide their actions from me, I have not even told them I know what they are doing. I wonder am I being two faced in that way. I do not have the answer to that as of now but I know they feel better thinking I am in the dark. They may even think they are protecting my feelings by not telling me things they do not think I would approve of so I do not confront it. I just let it be and ACCEPT. Here is the thing, I am a very upfront person, so I do not know the world of feeling a need to be two faced and I do not speak the language of that world. So what do you do when you do not speak someones language. You smile, nod yes and keep it moving. LOL!
It is HARD letting go of DREAMS and DESIRES you have for relationships. It is not easy to alter things and change course. But PEACE only comes when you are TRUE TO YOU! This is why you really want to stay anchored in LOVE and LIGHT. If being true to you means being Hateful and Dark, then you will reap the consequences of such and unfortunately those around you will feel those affects as well. I get my teachings on Love and Light from Jesus Christ with helps from the Disciples, Apostles and various Saints who have followed Him through the ages. It is not an easy road but I believe it is worth it. I know what it is to respond to hurt “in my flesh” (or some would say ego) and it is MISERABLE to me! I love myself to much now to do that to me. So I will fight the good fight of the faith knowing that brings FREEDOM and JOY to me and my circumstances. FREEDOM to BE and The JOY that gives me STRENGTH!
Yes there is pain, but I don’t shoo the pain away (is that how you spell shoo?). I let it be. I let it BLESS me. I look for where it came from so that when it lifts a bit, I can guide it back home. I thank it for teaching me how to “work” through it and Love in spite of its presence. Can I tell ya’ll it has NOT always been this way. I KNOW the dark side! But the dark side is a LIE. As convincing as it may seem. The dark side is FEAR. In being a FRIEND to myself, FEAR is not something I will tolerate. It may come, but it will not be staying!
If you have read all the way here I certainly hope I have encouraged you. I certainly hope you will find a way to be your best self by being TRUE to you. LOVING yourself so you can have that to give to others. I certainly hope you can get REAL about your relationships and ACCEPT, Develop or Maintain STANDARDS and REDEFINE and SHINE.
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Have a GREAT MONDAY and a WILD FLOWER WEEK!
Abundant Love Beloveds,