I’m happy to tell you I had a breakthrough yesterday!
On Friday, I received an electronic email from the church we were asked to leave. I was surprised because immediately after it was made clear to us in no uncertain terms that we were not welcomed at this church that we had served in for over 2 and a half years, I received an auto email from the church and quickly unsubscribed receiving a confirmation email from the pastors address, so I knew it went through. After reading this surprisingly sent email I WAS STEAMING!
The email stated that they were adding another service and that at all of these services they would have the SAME EXCELLENT CHILDREN’S PROGRAMMING that they always had. THAT REALLY got to me.
You see one of the reasons we were asked to leave the church was because although people were guaranteed a safe environment for their children, I came to pick up my son one day and found he was not in the children’s room. When I inquired they said he was in the bathroom and a lead teacher went headed toward the restroom. When I headed in the same direction I saw my son coming out of the bathroom with an adult grown male, whom I discovered was not regular volunteer and had not had a background check as the church states all of their volunteers are to have. It was after I said something about this, I and my family were asked to leave the church.
There is more to this story but needless to say, I have STRUGGLED in the Spirit! After going through this (along with days and weeks of contemplation, prayer, analyzing, etc) and receiving an email that I had unsubscribed from and then reading the words SAME EXCELLENT children’s programming, I was HOT and on the verge of BURNING SOMETHING UP!
But what I found was I WAS BURNING UP with ANGER! I then realized the anger was stemming from unforgiveness and the unforgiveness from pain. I thought I had forgiven them because I could see how fearful, self-righteous and ignorant they were and perhaps at one point I actually did, but somewhere along the line, the fire I thought I put out had a smoldering coal that “caught”. You see I thought these people were our friends and that when I had bought up this huge concern they would care about it as much as I (perhaps a little less because it wasn’t their child but still certainly care). They didn’t. They became defensive, judgmental and quite frankly mean and asked us to leave the church. It was shocking and scary and hurtful. Not because they were supposed to be Christians, I know people are a mess with that, but just on a human level, I honestly thought they were better people. I felt totally conned to find out how wrong I was. In the end, I am grateful for the revelations that surfaced to let me know whom I really was amongst. I KNOW ( and knew pretty much immediately) the blessing of it.
So I got off that computer about to blow. How DARE they say SAME EXCELLENT! What a smack in the face. Where was SAME EXCELLENT when my son was in the bathroom with a grown exposed unchecked man by himself? How could you write that when you KNOW what occurred. And PLEASE don’t think there were not more UNEXCELLENT things, that I could name specifically, going on with the program.
Saturday night I shared with my friend, coach and advisor (my husband:) what all I was going through and what I wanted to do about it. I held nothing back from him when I was talking. To know me Scholars is to know that I may be funny and LOVE to LOVE and LAUGH, but I am NOT a joke and this was far from a laughing matter. When I mean business, it’s CLEAR!
My advisor knows that my TRUE desire is to live as a disciple of Christ and be JUST like him, the problem was I didn’t know which Jesus to be like- “the table turner or the one silent before Pilate”.
My coach said, Jesus was more silent then he turned tables and I got fired up, “yeah but…” My friend said, “Do you think it will change their minds what you say or do” and I said “no, in fact it would serve as a justification for them.” He said “so let it go” and I said, “I want to forgive, but it’s not clicking and I’m frustrated because I have done this before and I know what it takes” and then he hit the spiritual bulls eye for me, “you don’t have to forgive now just as it’s your goal and you are on the path”- Immediately ya’ll I was SET FREE! That was it.
Every time anger and unforgiveness churned within me I would feed it with thoughts of the situation and then aggravation towards myself because I knew better than to even give them that much of my thought time and sadness with how it (my thoughts) was negatively affecting my spirit. When my friend said “as long as you were on the path” That gave me GRACE AND MERCY! That told me I was ok and that I my experience it but that’s not the path I’m on so I won’t stay there. It gave me the grace to see how absolutely temporary this lousy anger and unforgiveness was within me. That when it comes up I don’t have to/ nor should I ignore it but I don’t have to entertain it or act on it or worst feel like I’m not arching my spiritual marks because it is there and exists today because as long as I am on the path headed toward my goals it certainly won’t be there tomorrow. Paul said I PRESS TOWARD the MARK of the Prize of the HIGH Calling. I just have to PRESS! I will feel the squeeze but I PRESS! Through trials, storm, wind and rain-stay on the path and PRESS. Through sickness, bad news, injustice and pain- Stay on the path and PRESS.
Scholars! I had to share it. I feel SO MUCH BETTER, CLEARER on this. Whew. This was the spiritual breakthrough I was waiting on. Old school used to sing a song that said “I just couldn’t keep it to myself.” and that’s why I want to share with you. Be encouraged Scholars. Let todays anger and unforgiveness GO! Use what my friend told you but if that does not set you free like it did me (and I HOPE it does) then keep seeking the KINGDOM and don’t stop- PRESS- until you find what works for you. The Joy and Peace that comes from the Press are so WORTH IT!
I LOVE YOU ALL,